Dumbest Restaraunt Converstaions In The World

Me: and my daughter would like a bowl of just plain pasta please.
Waitress: Sorry, we don't have that.
Me: What..Plain pasta?
Waitress: No.
Me: I see on your menu that you have several dishes with pasta served as a side...
Waitress: Yes, but it's covered with sauce.
Me: Very slowly Does it come OUT of the pot with sauce on it?
Waitres: No.
Me: Slower Once it's out of the pot, can someone just put it PLAIN in a bowl BEFORE it's covered with sauce?
Waitress: I'm not sure. Let me ask my manager. Walks away...
Me: WTF?
Waitress: Yes, my manager says we can do that for her..Does she want butter on it?
Me: Wide-eyed and dumb-founded NO.
Paul and Hunter: Lots of snorting and snickering...

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This one happened when Hunter was about 6 or 7

Me: and my son would like a scoop of the Superman ice cream in a cone.
Server: The Superman one? Hey kid, you know that's just vanilla ice cream with food coloring in it right?
Me: What? Why would you tell a kid that the ice cream of one of his idols is just food coloring? What purpose does that serve?
Server: Well...I just thought that he should know.
Me: WHY would you tell a 7 year old that? He's SUPPOSED to think it's Superman ice cream. Why would he need to know that? Don't ever do that again!
Server: I..uh....was just, uh...ok.
My mom, dad, Paul, and Jake: snort, snicker, giggles, sarcastic comments...
Hunter: Um, mom. What just happened?

I...AM....ALIVE!!!!

Reasons you know you haven't blogged in awhile:

1) You can't remember your password to sign on
2) You have eleventy million things to blog about
3) You don't have the energy or time to blog about eleventy million things
4) You cheat on your blog with your latest obsession: Facebook
5) You have had a hectic and somewhat stressful January which equates to a big long brain-fart. No one can blog with one of those. My posts might smell...
6) You know that once you sign on, you'll just read your fave blogs for hours to get caught up so you'll have no time to write your own.
7) All your readers have moved on so you'll have to work twice as hard to get them back again.
8) You lost your iPhone snowboarding, some lame person found it and tried to extort money from you to give it back. Long story short - No iPhone. My entire life was on that phone, I no longer have it so I no longer have a life which has thrown me into a state of irrational but undeniable depression so anything I write will be sad, pathetic, and basically unreadable anyway.

Hey You..F Off

To the following companies who clog up my e-mail with their ridiculous crap:

1) Snuggie As Seen On TV - Your product is stupid. Why would I want to look like I'm wrapped in a cocoon on my couch..or worse at a ball game? Fuck off.

2) United Mileage Plus - Quit offering me 30k free miles if I fly to Asia. We flew to Hong Kong two years ago. We aren't going back anytime soon..Fuck off.

3) Sirius Satellite - Quit changing your channel lineup then emailing me about it. Like I have time to go to your website, print the new version and take it out to the Green Monster. I practically get in a wreck as it is just changing the station..Get your shit together and stop changing it..Oh yeah, Fuck off.

4) Nutri-System - WTF? Are you kidding me? Haven't you been reading my blog that I actually exercise to stay in shape? Double Fuck off.

5) Fidelity Life Association - Seriously...Like I'd buy term life from some spam email..Fuck off.

6) The Wheelchair Alliance.com - On whose list did you get my name because I will personally drive over to them and knock them flat for thinking I'm old enough to need this chair..Seriously? FUCK OFF.

7) Zappos.com - I KNOW you have free overnight shipping. It's awesome, I know...but you don't need to email me DAILY to tell me about it. Fuck off..but not for long ok because I love you...just until I'm off my yearly after Christmas spending ban.

8) Direct TV Network - Free for 4 months if we order some NFL package? My whole fall til the SuperBowl is an NFL package..I don't need to pay YOU for it..Fuck.Off. ALOT.

9) Ticketmaster - Like we can afford to go to events around Vegas every week....so quit emailing me about every freakin event under the sun in this town..Fuck off !! but just til one of my favorite bands come to town or you run local specials for the Strip shows..

10) Holly at Why Mom Drinks Rum - I love you..you know that...EVEN though you never read my blog although I am a total stalker faithful reader of yours...Oh yeah, and thanks for this idea..I told you I'd steal it even though I didn't have to cuz you never read my blog anyway. Fuck Off.