Gee, I think this may be a let down now that I've built it up so much:
I...was...born...not...being...able...to...smell...
Disadvantages: I don't know what ANYTHING smells like..cookies baking, bacon frying, my daughter's sweet smell (according to everyone who smells her). My taste is going. I only know when something stinks because all of a sudden I get violently sick to my stomach. It's my only cue.
Advantages: Don't notice when everyone farts around me other than hearing it, someone has serious body odor, or something just seriously stinks (unless I'm too close to it then I get nauseous). I can eat some SERIOUSLY spicy food, which ultimately leads to the firepot the next day but I can deal with that.
I remember in first grade some kid saying that a banana smelled good and I thought he was nuts. It was around then that I started noticing that kids, my family, and others talked about things that smelled. I really thought they were all retarded and didn't understand this at all..
Cut to years and years of therapy later. Just kidding, no therapy, just lots of specialists..Their diagnosis: I was either born without an o-factory gland or I have some sort of major blockage. Either way, I'd have to have exploratory surgery (break my nose and poke around up in there) to find out the issue but no matter what the problem, it can't be fixed. My answer: No flippin way for the following reasons:
*What's the point if they can't fix it?
*My nose is big enough as it is so why have it broken and totally messe it up even more? (The hub calls it the schnoz and told me early on when we were dating that I had a huge nose. He also makes fun of me because I can look down and see my own nose..How's that for love?)
*My mother caused it - Theory #1: She worked in the chemical division of Motorola when she was pregnant with me. They allowed her to work until she was 6 months along then made her go on maternity leave because back then the last trimester was considered the most critical developmental stage. Chemicals+pregnant mom=baby with big nose who can't smell..
Theory #2: She had chronic bronchitis when she was pregnant with me. Her doctor prescribed her medicine which they would never give pregnant moms now.
A specialist once told me that it had to be one of these two theories. Something just got messed up in my development. He said I should be thankful that that was all it was. Hey dude, speak for yourself. I have much bigger issues than this..
*Certain stores I can't go in to: Bath and Body Works mainly, candle stores, perfume stores. Think of it as being blind. Why go shopping when you can't see shit? Same concept.
*Pummeled by questions: Can you taste? Can it be fixed? You can't smell anything? What about food cooking? Body Odor? Farts? Close your eyes and let me put something under your nose. Have you tried acupuncture? So you can't smell and your taste is going. How sad is it to be you? You can't smell out of THAT nose? Over and over and over again......
*The hub was obsessed by it. Picture all of the questions above asked repeatedly throughout the first year of dating plus him farting under the covers, in front of me, testing me continually..smell this..do you smell that?
Oh yeah, and I continue to lie about it all the time to unsuspecting souls. Like the time I was walking through the make-up/perfume section in Dillards and got accosted by those chicks who wear too much make-up.
"Excuse me ma'am, try our new perfume"
Me: Gee, that smells great..Like roses..
or when I'm around people who are exclaiming that something smells wonderful.
Me: Yes, that DOES smell great. Sniff, Sniff It smells like 'insert adjective here'.
Or when Pip says "Mommy Mommy smell that!" and sticks something under my nose. I've tried to explain it to her but she doesn't get it yet. She'll be as equally obsessed as her daddy was.
The worst thing is that my mom, dad and brother all forget about this continually. See my brother's (Weith Kick) comment in my original post. See what I mean? ALL THE TIME. Example:
Mom: Rob, smell this, does it smell ok?
Me: Dirty look I can't because you smelled chemicals and screwed up my nose.
Mom: Oh yeah I forgot.
or
Dad or Bro: Eww, what smells like big business? Rob, the baby just pooped in his/her diaper. Can't you smell that?
Me: NO I CAN'T SMELL IT DARN IT! WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE REMEMBER THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Filed under: Now You Know My Jack'd Up Secret
