Mama's Fun Weird

The kids and I were at Baskin Robbins yesterday picking up Hunter's birthday cake..We stood in line foreverrrrrrrrrrrrr. There was only 1 girl there and about 10 people in line. The mother in front of me was ordering like..everything..I so wanted an ice cream myself when I realized how large she was. That smacked me back into the realization that I could look like that some day if I eat all that friggin ice cream. No ice cream for mama...

Somehow Hunter and I started talking about old people. He said that he's noticed that old people act really weird and strange. I was about to laugh when he said, "I bet you're gonna be a weird old person Mom."

Me: "HUH?" "What?"
Him: " I don't mean weird weird, I mean fun weird."
Me: "Wa?"
Him: "Well, you're weird already so it just means you'll be weirder when you're old."

So now I know what my middle child thinks of me....

----
Next conversation went something like this in the freakin-forever-line at Baskin Robbins:

Hunter: "Man, this is taking forever! All these people in line are gonna get mad."
Me: "Who cares if they get mad."
Hunter: "They're all going to get out their AK47's and bust a cap in here."
Me: "That's ok. I'd stop the bullets with my invisible bullet-proof bracelets."

People behind Hunter stare at me.

-------

Finally at the register:

Ice Cream Cashier: "Ma'am how long have you been standing in line with this cake?
Me: about to answer when large lady in front of me answers for me "About 20 minutes!"
Me: "Actually about 10."
Cashier: "Well, you're going to need to put that one back and get another because this one is probably already melted."

What I wanted to say:

"Well, if you store would manage it's staffing properly, it wouldn't be melted now would it? Now be a good little minimum wage cashier and ring me up damn it."

What I really said:

"I don't want another one. This doesn't look melted. I'll just stick it in the freezer when we get home. Ring me up please."

Darn kids. I hate always having to do the right thing around them.
-----
Later last night on the way to Hunter's birthday dinner -

Piper: "Mom is poop really food?"
Me: "Huh? Well, our bodies take all of the good stuff from the food then poops out what it doesn't need so yeah, I guess poop is old food."
Paul: "But you can't eat it though."
Hunter: "Can't you?"
All: "Ug, gross, yuck, ick..."


Hunter: "Mom, why doesn't SpongeBob like anyone in the cartoon?"
Me: "You mean like-like or just like?"
Hunter: "Like-Like"
Me: "HaHaHaHa! Maybe cuz it's a show for kids..?"
Hunter: "Jimmy Neutron likes that blonde girl on his cartoon."
Me: "Hmm..Good point. Doesn't SpongeBob like Sandy Cheeks?"
Paul: "I think SpongeBob like guys."
Me: "Babe, stop! Piper's going to end up warped!"
Hunter: "Yeah, I think he likes Patrick." imitating Patrick "SpongeBob stop that...."
Me: "Hunter!"
Paul: Imitating Squidward "Oh SpongeBob don't stop.."
Me: "You guys stop!"
Hunter: "I totally get it now."

---
My family is warped...and it's mostly my fault...I luv it..

Time For Some Back-To-School Drinkin For Mama

Let me prefice this by saying that I love my son Hunter with all the mite that you'd expect a mother to have. Sometimes I think he's my biggest fan in the world. That said, I never want to go school clothes shopping with him again. Especially to my favorite outlet mall where I couldn't go into the shops I wanted to.

Man cannot live by black t-shirts and tan shorts alone. This however seemed to bounce off my thick-headed son. I tried reasoning with him: "We live in the desert. It's hot. Black retains heat. You'll be sweating all the time." No dice. "People will think you're all goth." Didn't work. "You gotta mix it up a little." Nothing.

Me: Do you like this shirt?
Him: No. Too much design.
Me: This one?
Him: I don't want anything on the back of the shirt.
Me: Whadda about this one?
Him: I don't like the color.

Then we looked for shorts.

Me: Do you like these shorts?
Him: No
Me: Do you like these shorts?
Him: No
Me: C'mon, what about these ones? These are cool. I like the funky design.
Him: No, I don't like them. They're skater shorts. I'm not a skater.
Me: You don't have to be a skater to wear them.
Him: Yes, you do.
Me: Then why do you wear Vans then?
Him: Not just skaters wear them.

It doesn't help when the 3 year old in a stroller grabbing at everything we passed. Belts flying, t-shirts dropping from shelves. I was standing there at one point watching my stoic faced son looking at shirts and my daughter acting like a little crapper when I went all Jenny-like from Forrest Gump, "Dear God, please make me a bird so I can fly far far away." It didn't work.

Whoever the genius was that invented those dumb little rides that toddlers can ride on should be drawn and quartered. Piper wanted to ride them despite the fact that they were burning hot to the touch. I finally let her ride a rocketship that she could climb inside (so it wasn't really hot) but as soon as I put my 2 quarters in, she freaked out because she thought it was going to take off so she jumped out. My quarters gone + other scalding rides that aren't scary = a pissed off toddler who can't ride them.

Why is it that clothing stores switch to winter clothes starting in August. Sweaters, jackets, cute umbrellas and rainboots. Rainboots? Umbrellas? In Vegas? Who is the buyer for this store? Don't they follow regional weather trends? I know the logic of buying winter stuff in advance but seriously people, get a grip. It's rained here like 2 times since we moved here 2 years ago! Anyway, I was looking for some playdresses for the little crapper so we go into one of my fave kids' store, A Childrens' Place. Stop. It's all WINTER STUFF. NOT ONE SUMMERY PLAYDRESS. WTF?!?!?!? Robin has officially hit her breaking point.

I yell in the store, "IT IS OVER 100 DEGREES OUTSIDE! WHY IS THERE ONLY WINTER CLOTHES IN HERE! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!"

to which my son replies, "Um mom, that was kinda loud."

Me: "I KNOW! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!" Out of the store we go.

The ride to the outlet mall was a joy. Piper told Hunter continually that I wasn't his mom. I was only her and Jakey's mom. He just played his PSP, nodded and said "uh-huh" a lot which continued to enrage her. She then told him that she liked Jakey more than him. Hunter was all "fine, fine, fine" which again didn't bode well for a peaceful drive. A round of this followed: "You're a stinky butthead!" "No, you are!" "No, YOU are!" NOOOO, YOOOOOOOU AREEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Wait. Who is the soon to be 14 year old participating in this yelling match?

THEN, Pip saw a billboard with a gorilla on it. For 10 minutes, she went on some tirade about how she loves King Kong but she hates him, but she loved the movie (she hasn't seen it, what kind of mom do you think i am?), how she wanted to watch it when we got home because she loved him. I said No which I think may have lead to Hunter telling her to be quiet which I think led to the stinky butthead conversation.

It sure was a productive day. We left the mall with one t-shirt, Quicksilver. At least it was white.

Think of me while I'm passed out on the floor tonight.

Fashion Show

We have a couple different after dinner rituals that seem to happen almost every night. One is Piper tries to run us down with trike through the kitchen, family and dining rooms. The other is playing music and dancing. The newest one is the Fashion Show..I grab the phone and 'announce' what Piper is wearing as she walks down the runway. This particular night her and dad were upstairs and they both thought this blouse was a dress. She wanted to model it. Hunter was hysterical with the garbage bag on his head. My mom was in town so she got a kick out of it..

Buckethead

Piper wanted Hunter to 'play' play-doh with her. So of course, in true Bo-Bo style, he talks her into putting a bucket on her head so he can put a play-doh face on it. She was a little hesitant at first but once she did it, she didn't want to take it off..Too funny!!!