Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Adult Diapers Suck Brick....

I'm sitting here reading a couple of my favorite blogs, listening to a song that has no business making me tear up but is, drinking wine, and wondering why I cannot seem to straighten out my dazed and confused state of mind that decided to invite itself to my head on January 1 of this year. Since I can't figure it out, here are my un-educated guesses. My brain, apparently, is writing checks my brain can't cash.

1) My brain is expanding exponentially. Although I have an unusually large head for someone my size, my brain doesn't know that, so it's squeezing all the intelligence out of me and keeping just the fat stored up...just like every other part of my body. Fudge.

2) I have this unusual talent of attracting every joe smoe and their mother to confide in me about their personal problems. In years past, I could listen AND give great advice while mentally writing a to-list, solving every side of a rubik's cube, and splitting the atom. Now? Anything pertinent that I need to do leaks out every upper body orifice so I can have enough brain cells to listen, blink, nod a few times then give some sort of acknowledgement that sounds intelligent and non-cavewoman like. The end result is nothing in my life gets done and I want a snack.

3) Wine. It may be good for my heart but it's still an evil evil monkey.

4) Facebook is a close 2nd to #3...minus the monkey part...add in a nosy, vicious pitbull instead.

5) My gray hairs that are suddenly showing up suck. I am in a mental battle with my scalp right now to stop it's evil-doing. This is sucking any extra intelligence out of me thus me regressing to about a 17 year old maturity level. Seriously. Example-I forced my husband to pull over the other night so I could ding-dong ditch our friend's house. I made Hunter go with me..then we whispered (argued) loudly at the door over who was gonna get to ring the doorbell. When we got home our phone was ringing. It was their 10 year old daughter. When accused, I lied. No one said I couldn't lie to OTHER peoples' kids. All this in front of my visiting father-in-law.

6) I'm turning 40 this year. My brain is giving me a taste of the diminished functionality to addition to the eventual drooling, diapers, and asking each of my children who the they are and why they're in my house. This is what I have to look forward to. THAT, gray hair, and messing my pants. fabulous.

7) I have no cell phone. Let me rephrase that. I have NO iPHONE. I've been begging him to come back to me. Promises to clean his face more often and put his annoying gel cover back on are unanswered. He now resides in Pahrump, NV with some guy who stole him from me while I was face-first in the snow cursing myself for wiping out on a simple run. This has put me into a downward spiral that is un-ending. Plus I have been banned from getting a new one..I think the cold and unfeeling "Good luck with your new Motorola Razor" from Paul was what threw me over the edge. My heart continues to break..The downward spiraling continues.

I just hope #6 happens to me before the husband because even though I said 'for better or for worse' I doubt changing an adult diaper was in the original job description. Sorry you iPhone hater babe, you're on your own. I'll hire you a hot nurse, k?


DysFUNctional Mom said...

I keep threatening J that he'll soon be pushing me in a wheelchair! I'm four years older than him, he should be prepared to take care of me. lol

Swirl Girl said...

At least your brain is spreading. My arse is spreading exponentially.

I'm married. I have 3 kids. I have a big nose. Now go on and catch up.

Keep it nice or I'll post your email and make fun of you.

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