Monday, February 4, 2008

thinking of my precious angel

I found this quote on a friend of a friend's blog which reminded me of Wrigley:

"These three are enough. These three fill my days and nights and sometimes beyond. These three are brimming with my hopes and prayers. These three can't hold any more of my love, but I wish there was just one more. There's room in our home for one more. There's room in our hearts for one more. We have all this extra love that's missing a child."

This is how I feel all the time. Wrigley is never far from my mind regardless of what I'm doing. Now that Piper is older, she asks about her big sister all the time. It never ceases to amaze me that whenever she has a balloon, she wants to let it go so she can send it up to 'Wriggles'. She asks sometimes if she can go up to Heaven to see Wrigley. How do I answer that? All I can say is "Some day lovebug but not today. She's watching over you until then." I think (hope) she is comforted by that.

People say that time helps ease the pain. That is such b.s. Time has made my pain intensify. The only thing I can say is that over time I've learned how to manage it. Sometimes I still feel like I've been punched in the stomach, I can't breathe and just crumple to my knees. Tonight is one of those nights.

I've had close friends and family members express concern as to why I won't talk about her much or do something extra special on her birthday. My answer is this: I talk about her at home with Paul and the kids & that's about all I can handle. Her birthday is the most painful day of my life so it's enough that I can get out of bed let alone try to re-live that day.

I wish she were here. I wish I could see her as a 4 1/2 year old. I wish I could see her as a big sister to Piper and a little sister to her brothers. I wish I could see her fighting with her siblings over toys and cartoons, crying over boo-boos, crashing on her trike, and being silly with her uncle and grandparents. I wish Paul could have both his girls with him. Life can be so unfair. These days where I hit bottom are not as frequent as they used to be but when they do happen, they are just as intense. There is just no other way to navigate it but to bury myself in my faith and peek my head out. That is the only thing that has gotten me through. Good Night my sweet angel.

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I'm married. I have 3 kids. I have a big nose. Now go on and catch up.

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