If Only...

Today started out like any other day. Pip and I ran errands then we decided to get our toes painted. I don't take her very often because we normally paint her nails at home but I like to take her occasionally because she just loves it.

I'm enjoying watching Pip chatter on with the nail gal when all of a sudden I think of Wrigley and my heart starts to hurt. I wished she was here getting her nails painted too. I wished I had to keep my eye on both my girls as they cavorted around the salon. Sometimes I don't want to think of her in moments like this because it sucks up the joy of that moment for Piper. But that's not Wrigley's fault so I continue to think of her, wish for her, ache for her and smile for Piper. Stay the course just stay the course, I think to myself.

This reminds of the other night when our family went to Pip's fave restaraunt after her recital. They give balloons to the kids so Pip always gets one for herself and one for her sister. "I'm sending it up to heaven Mom." We go outside and she lets it go. "Here you go Wrigley. Here's your balloon!" she says. This particular night was more emotional for me since the grandparents were with us. We all stood outside watching the balloon rise and rise and rise even further. I'm having trouble now, not being able to move or talk or participate in waving "bye-bye" to the balloon. I'm pissed at the stupid balloon. I don't want to watch it go to my daughter. I'd rather have her with me than watch that stupid balloon.

The saving grace was a teenage couple that came out of the restaraunt with a bunch of their own balloons. They saw the 7 of us looking up at the sky so the girl looks up, walks closer, looks up and walks closer, looks up again and pretty soon is standing shoulder to shoulder with my dad. My dad and her quietly watch the balloon for a few seconds. My dad quickly explains that we let a balloon go and that we're just watching it. "Oh!" she says "I was wondering what you all were doing!" and we all start laughing. I was grateful for that girl and her boyfriend. To cut through the emotional heaviness for me, to lighten my heart a little bit, for helping me realize at that moment that I was still there with my family instead of retreating into my own sorrow.