Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass.

Divorce is ugly. No one wins. Not the spouse who gets the house, or the stuff in the house, or the spouse the judge rules for. 11 years later, I still get emotionally exhausted dealing with the aftermath of it. I see the pain in my boys' eyes when they ask me about it. I feel the anger and frustration when I have to defend their dad's actions when I know darn well he doesn't do the same for me. I feel guilt for being the one who wanted the divorce when I knew it would devastate the boys. I feel even more anger when I am taken back to court based on ridiculous rational and am required to fill out of worksheets, forms, get things notarized and copied, send certified, just to document 'my side', so to speak.

I can think of friends who have hurt me in one way or another, people who I have an extreme dislike for, rude people I experience throughout the day but would I wish them to go through something as ugly as this? Never. It breaks my heart when I hear of friends, acquaintances or even celebrities getting a divorce. It's a horrible thing for their children, their parents, their friends.

Going through that makes me even more committed to making my marriage to Paul healthy and happy. Not just for Piper's, Jake's or Hunter's sake but our own as well. Never wanting to go through this experience again is an understatement.

These dark feelings aren't something I enjoy experiencing and I am actually finding it rather difficult to write about them since I am normally pretty private about this stuff, however someone once told me that I am rather stoic about my emotions so in effort to try and put that aside (at least for this post) I'll go public about my current emotional state. Also, I don't believe in putting on a fake facade, pretending to be happy all of the time or that I lead a perfect life or have a perfect family. I know people who do that and I always wonder why they would think anyone would even believe them, but that is another blog all together.