Time For Some Back-To-School Drinkin For Mama

Let me prefice this by saying that I love my son Hunter with all the mite that you'd expect a mother to have. Sometimes I think he's my biggest fan in the world. That said, I never want to go school clothes shopping with him again. Especially to my favorite outlet mall where I couldn't go into the shops I wanted to.

Man cannot live by black t-shirts and tan shorts alone. This however seemed to bounce off my thick-headed son. I tried reasoning with him: "We live in the desert. It's hot. Black retains heat. You'll be sweating all the time." No dice. "People will think you're all goth." Didn't work. "You gotta mix it up a little." Nothing.

Me: Do you like this shirt?
Him: No. Too much design.
Me: This one?
Him: I don't want anything on the back of the shirt.
Me: Whadda about this one?
Him: I don't like the color.

Then we looked for shorts.

Me: Do you like these shorts?
Him: No
Me: Do you like these shorts?
Him: No
Me: C'mon, what about these ones? These are cool. I like the funky design.
Him: No, I don't like them. They're skater shorts. I'm not a skater.
Me: You don't have to be a skater to wear them.
Him: Yes, you do.
Me: Then why do you wear Vans then?
Him: Not just skaters wear them.

It doesn't help when the 3 year old in a stroller grabbing at everything we passed. Belts flying, t-shirts dropping from shelves. I was standing there at one point watching my stoic faced son looking at shirts and my daughter acting like a little crapper when I went all Jenny-like from Forrest Gump, "Dear God, please make me a bird so I can fly far far away." It didn't work.

Whoever the genius was that invented those dumb little rides that toddlers can ride on should be drawn and quartered. Piper wanted to ride them despite the fact that they were burning hot to the touch. I finally let her ride a rocketship that she could climb inside (so it wasn't really hot) but as soon as I put my 2 quarters in, she freaked out because she thought it was going to take off so she jumped out. My quarters gone + other scalding rides that aren't scary = a pissed off toddler who can't ride them.

Why is it that clothing stores switch to winter clothes starting in August. Sweaters, jackets, cute umbrellas and rainboots. Rainboots? Umbrellas? In Vegas? Who is the buyer for this store? Don't they follow regional weather trends? I know the logic of buying winter stuff in advance but seriously people, get a grip. It's rained here like 2 times since we moved here 2 years ago! Anyway, I was looking for some playdresses for the little crapper so we go into one of my fave kids' store, A Childrens' Place. Stop. It's all WINTER STUFF. NOT ONE SUMMERY PLAYDRESS. WTF?!?!?!? Robin has officially hit her breaking point.

I yell in the store, "IT IS OVER 100 DEGREES OUTSIDE! WHY IS THERE ONLY WINTER CLOTHES IN HERE! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!"

to which my son replies, "Um mom, that was kinda loud."

Me: "I KNOW! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!" Out of the store we go.

The ride to the outlet mall was a joy. Piper told Hunter continually that I wasn't his mom. I was only her and Jakey's mom. He just played his PSP, nodded and said "uh-huh" a lot which continued to enrage her. She then told him that she liked Jakey more than him. Hunter was all "fine, fine, fine" which again didn't bode well for a peaceful drive. A round of this followed: "You're a stinky butthead!" "No, you are!" "No, YOU are!" NOOOO, YOOOOOOOU AREEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Wait. Who is the soon to be 14 year old participating in this yelling match?

THEN, Pip saw a billboard with a gorilla on it. For 10 minutes, she went on some tirade about how she loves King Kong but she hates him, but she loved the movie (she hasn't seen it, what kind of mom do you think i am?), how she wanted to watch it when we got home because she loved him. I said No which I think may have lead to Hunter telling her to be quiet which I think led to the stinky butthead conversation.

It sure was a productive day. We left the mall with one t-shirt, Quicksilver. At least it was white.

Think of me while I'm passed out on the floor tonight.