Things I'm....

SICK OF

* The lipstick on a pig debate
* Typical campaign slandering
* Gas prices
* Cleaning floors and toilets
* Letting the dogs in/out a million times a day
* The sun 24/7 - I need a good thunder/lightening/rain storm, NOW.


GETTING FRUSTRATED ABOUT

* I don't have a MacBook
* My blog stats confirm my current suspicions - My readership is wayy down. I'm losing my blog mojo.
* Can I have separate folders for different sets of pictures on Flickr? Anyone? Can't figure it out.
* Total commercialism in the world
* The fact I STILL cannot unlock my PC - friggin dog sitters...
* My metabolism is slowing down.
* I've found more gray hair in the last 2 weeks than the ONE I've had for the past 5 years.
* I can't sell all of our belongings, move my family to an island, open a pizza shack, and live much more simply.
* My husband - currently

CONFUSED ABOUT

* Why my husband men can be so retarded

BEING HAPPY ABOUT

* Church
* The kids
* My father is recovering very well from his quadruple bypass.
* My family going to bed while I stay up.
* Drinking my fave glass of wine
* I just figured out how to put a line through a word. Yes, I am slowwwwww.
* My husband - not tonight though

Time For Some Back-To-School Drinkin For Mama

Let me prefice this by saying that I love my son Hunter with all the mite that you'd expect a mother to have. Sometimes I think he's my biggest fan in the world. That said, I never want to go school clothes shopping with him again. Especially to my favorite outlet mall where I couldn't go into the shops I wanted to.

Man cannot live by black t-shirts and tan shorts alone. This however seemed to bounce off my thick-headed son. I tried reasoning with him: "We live in the desert. It's hot. Black retains heat. You'll be sweating all the time." No dice. "People will think you're all goth." Didn't work. "You gotta mix it up a little." Nothing.

Me: Do you like this shirt?
Him: No. Too much design.
Me: This one?
Him: I don't want anything on the back of the shirt.
Me: Whadda about this one?
Him: I don't like the color.

Then we looked for shorts.

Me: Do you like these shorts?
Him: No
Me: Do you like these shorts?
Him: No
Me: C'mon, what about these ones? These are cool. I like the funky design.
Him: No, I don't like them. They're skater shorts. I'm not a skater.
Me: You don't have to be a skater to wear them.
Him: Yes, you do.
Me: Then why do you wear Vans then?
Him: Not just skaters wear them.

It doesn't help when the 3 year old in a stroller grabbing at everything we passed. Belts flying, t-shirts dropping from shelves. I was standing there at one point watching my stoic faced son looking at shirts and my daughter acting like a little crapper when I went all Jenny-like from Forrest Gump, "Dear God, please make me a bird so I can fly far far away." It didn't work.

Whoever the genius was that invented those dumb little rides that toddlers can ride on should be drawn and quartered. Piper wanted to ride them despite the fact that they were burning hot to the touch. I finally let her ride a rocketship that she could climb inside (so it wasn't really hot) but as soon as I put my 2 quarters in, she freaked out because she thought it was going to take off so she jumped out. My quarters gone + other scalding rides that aren't scary = a pissed off toddler who can't ride them.

Why is it that clothing stores switch to winter clothes starting in August. Sweaters, jackets, cute umbrellas and rainboots. Rainboots? Umbrellas? In Vegas? Who is the buyer for this store? Don't they follow regional weather trends? I know the logic of buying winter stuff in advance but seriously people, get a grip. It's rained here like 2 times since we moved here 2 years ago! Anyway, I was looking for some playdresses for the little crapper so we go into one of my fave kids' store, A Childrens' Place. Stop. It's all WINTER STUFF. NOT ONE SUMMERY PLAYDRESS. WTF?!?!?!? Robin has officially hit her breaking point.

I yell in the store, "IT IS OVER 100 DEGREES OUTSIDE! WHY IS THERE ONLY WINTER CLOTHES IN HERE! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!"

to which my son replies, "Um mom, that was kinda loud."

Me: "I KNOW! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!" Out of the store we go.

The ride to the outlet mall was a joy. Piper told Hunter continually that I wasn't his mom. I was only her and Jakey's mom. He just played his PSP, nodded and said "uh-huh" a lot which continued to enrage her. She then told him that she liked Jakey more than him. Hunter was all "fine, fine, fine" which again didn't bode well for a peaceful drive. A round of this followed: "You're a stinky butthead!" "No, you are!" "No, YOU are!" NOOOO, YOOOOOOOU AREEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Wait. Who is the soon to be 14 year old participating in this yelling match?

THEN, Pip saw a billboard with a gorilla on it. For 10 minutes, she went on some tirade about how she loves King Kong but she hates him, but she loved the movie (she hasn't seen it, what kind of mom do you think i am?), how she wanted to watch it when we got home because she loved him. I said No which I think may have lead to Hunter telling her to be quiet which I think led to the stinky butthead conversation.

It sure was a productive day. We left the mall with one t-shirt, Quicksilver. At least it was white.

Think of me while I'm passed out on the floor tonight.

In My Dark Place

Went to Target to get this:

Hey lady in the middle of the aisle, do you REALLY need to stand in the middle? You can't scoot in so me and my cart can roll by? I am standing right in front of you waiting. Do I need to hit you with my cart? Cuz I will. Rolling closer..about to hit you. Looks at me blankly then moves just enough to let me by. I catch her gaze and won't look away first.

Hey lady in the next aisle over, SHUT YOUR KIDS UP! Just take whatever big brother has and give back to his little sister. He took it from her in the first place. Saying "Give it Back!" over like 10 times obviously isn't working..There are other people in the store trying to shop in peace. No one wants to hear WW III between your kids.

Hey lady in the aisle with 4 kids, can you move and have your conversation about blah blah blah somewhere else so I can just reach next to you and get my garbage bags? I'm only in here for 3 THINGS. The green monster is like uber-expensive to fill so I'm trying to stay on a budget and get out of here before I am tempted to buy crap I don't need so HURRY THE HELL UP!

Oh yeah, Target worker who is hogging up the ENTIRE aisle while stocking. Do you not notice a customer trying to get by? Exactly WHY do you work here? To stock for the hell of it? Or maybe...just...possibly...to stock the shelves so customers can buy sh*t? Are you NOT here for the customers? So why must you completely not acknowledge my existence because you are doing SUCH IMPORTANT WORK that requires you treating me like crap?

My mind is now boiling. Irrational thoughts take over..I'm so irriated. I'll think I'll treat myself after all to something...I deserve it after dealing with all of these jerks.



It is clear I have issues. Let's just leave it at that.

Welcome Back Steve...Otherwise titled Why I Hate Steve

Hi I'm Steve. I'm a friend of Robin's. I visit her often even though she is old enough now where I should have stopped visiting years ago. I come and go as I please, show up unannounced, and stay for quite awhile. Her husband thinks I'm hysterical and loves it when I stay with her.

I am a zit and I live prominently on Robin's face.

I tend to grow quite large with a bulbous pussy whitehead. I like to torture Robin by showing up in places where she can't hide me with make-up. Currently, I am on Robin's cheek so if she's not near a mirror she can see me by just glancing down. Robin has tried to kill me on several occasions. She's squeezed me to within an inch of my life but I always survive. Her husband is obsessed with popping me but Robin won't let him because the last time he did it, he squeezed so hard he left a scar but...I survived (roaches have nothing on me). She has given up and now just attempts to hide me with that thing she calls 'foundation'.

My favorite place to visit is on Robin's forehead just above and between her eyebrows. I like to stay for at least a month or so. If she tries to scratch me off, she just gets a scab/scar which is even worse so there I stay. Those zit creams are a joke and don't work on me. I'm so big right now that I can actually make her skin itch and actually be a little painful.

It has gotten to the point that Robin cut bangs back in to hide me. The joke is on her though because she has this thing called a 'cow lick' that makes her bangs part in the middle. So instead, she freaks out, curses, and laimly tries to fix these bangs so she can hide me. I find this toooooo funny and am so glad I chose to live on her instead of a guy..

Her husband says Robin should be glad that she still gets zits because that means her skin is still young. She normally either tells him to step off or finds some way to insult whatever imperfection he is suffering from at the moment (currently it's the jellyfish sting on his ankle that he won't stop scratching. It's nasty). But I digress.

I called my cousin Whitey to come over for a visit. I usually see him about every other month so it's time again. Much to his delight, Robin's husband noticed that Whitey popped in on her forehead yesterday. I am so excited that he's here. Time for a par-tay..Hey Robin, we need food. Stop being such a meanie and eat some chocolate woman. My dad Red, my brother Poc, and my sister Pain-ella want to pop in for a visit as well.

At Least I Saved The Beer

I know everyone has a bad day. I am no exception. Today, however, I must have been paying for some sort of karmic incident back in my past.

Crap day officially began when Piper broke a glass cross that was given to me by my dear friend Cindy when we moved from Florida. Pip felt so bad she was in tears for a long time. I saw it happen so I knew it was an accident. My heart broke that she was so upset so I just held her, rocked her and told her it was ok. Still not a good way to start the day.

Next, Pip and I were at storytime today at the library. After it was over, I was in line checking out a few books for her. She wouldn't come stand in line with me as she was watching fish in this tank. I kept calling her but she wouldn't come to me.."Piper, come closer to me." "Pip, come on.." "Piper, get over here!" "PIPER, get over here NOW!" I suddenly hear a Sssshhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! The man at the checkout counter had shushed me. I then look over to the adult side to see EVERYONE staring at me. I forgot I was in the friggin library and yelled at my child! So in order to diffuse the situation, I said what I thought would totally appropriate, "Oh sh*t, sorry! I forgot I was in a library!" What the heck just came out of my mouth? Summation: I yelled AND swore in the library.

Luckily, the guy helping me thought it was funny..and Pip came running laughing at me, of course (she did not hear my bad word). Here's the thing. I am lover of books. I've been in libraries practically since birth and am well read. I respect the library and know how to act in one. All I can say is that there were a million other kids and their moms around me as well so it wasn't quiet. In fact, it was a little loud, hence my "loudness". Of course, in the same karmic loop, I'm the mom who gets judged for yelling in line. I am now inwardly grumpy.

Later in the afternoon, Pip broke a glass. She was not listening, messing around in the dishwasher while I was unloading it and broke it. This time she got busted. Neither she or the dogs would stay out of the mess. Dogs banished outside, Pip banished to the couch. Sweep, sweep, sweep more then vacuum tediously for along time. Toddler yelling on the couch for a snack and for me to play with her. Mom looks at toddler increduously and does neither. Why is it that broken glass spreads so far from the impact point?

In the midst of all this, I open the door to my very warm refrigerator. My compressor blew. Everything was spoiled. Freezer too. Super Crap. 3 weeks ago I had a frig repair guy out to check out a loud noise coming from my frig. His diagnosis: Compressor is running a little loud but is working fine. He'd check to see if my warranty would replace it but in the meantime, it's ship-shape. Obviously not. A nasty message left to the repair company, 2 hours of cleaning out the frig (with Pip and the dogs "helping" me) and scrubbing it down, 6 garage bags of several hundred dollars of recently purchased groceries/frozen food = I'm mad and I stink (according to Pip).

Look at what dripped at the bottom of my freezer. Popsicles. How am I going to get to that?

If I had more energy, I'd edit this and add sarcastic titles of my frig saying it's finally clean.I scrubbed and mopped the same spot where the glass broke earlier. Baxter finished the job by licking where I mopped. After I cleaned the freezer he licked through it. Thanks B-Dog for the help.

I wasn't able to save much. At least I was able to save a six pack of the hubby's beer which is now stored in my neighbor's frig.

I now cannot get the door back on.