Saturday, October 25, 2008

Not Tonight..

Can't post what I was originally going to tonight. I'm having one of my moments where I can't breathe, move, or think straight.....and it has nothing to do with me being sick at the moment.

I just read a post on one of the blogs I love the most. I went over to Loralee's* blog looking forward, as usual, to her latest post. Instead, I chose to read two older posts that she had written about losing her baby boy, Matthew. She lost him, ironically, the same month and year that we lost Wrigley.

I almost didn't read either of them. I'm glad I did. It was powerful how she honored her son.

At the same time, it felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. Hard.

I haven't had the guts to write about my precious girl like that.

I can't even talk about her much. I want to. I really do. I just can't.

Some of my closest friends I've made since we've moved here 2 years ago don't even know about her. They've seen her picture in our house and wondered, I'm sure, but haven't asked. If they were to, I'd tell them but if they don't, I'm not volunteering anything. The fear of crumbling into a heap, drug to a couch and being told it's ok, it's ok..you were lucky to have had her..even for a little while..she's in a better place..

Those trigger words. I can't hear them. I know I've said them to others. I get it but still...they make it worse. Loralee understands that. Even though we've never met, I feel like I know her so well in this respect. My girlfriends who helped me through it all 5 years ago understand that.

I would love to write a beautiful tribute for Wrigley. For her father. brothers. sister. grandparents. aunt and uncle. She deserves it. I've been through so much the last 5 years learning the best I can how to cope...to survive...to accept...I should be able to.

I have Wrigley in my secret place in my heart where only her and I can go...Pain and sorrow aren't allowed there...only peace, happiness and love can live there. It's a place I can go when I'm calm, relaxed, and having a good day. When I am in control of my emotions. Maybe next time I visit her there, I'll ask her if she would mind if I wrote about her tiny but Godly made life.

Maybe I'll try...but not tonight..Tonight I'll do what I normally do. Hide under the covers and pretend the rest of the world isn't there.

*Take time to read Loralee's other posts as well. She's a hilarious, talented, highly spirited writer..

7 comments:

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Just lots & lots of hugs......

greedygrace said...

Robin... F. You're going through this and you're worried about me??? My problems are meaningless and high school and I will talk about them tomorrow. I read through your posts and your links and I couldn't stop crying. I would die if I lost my Allie. I would curl into a ball and wither away and die. You are so much stronger than I could ever be.
((((Robin)))) Tons of hugs to you!

Sammanthia said...

Smooches to you and your Wrigley... I can't even imagine. You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Lots of love to you and your family.

dani said...

much love to you, robin:)
dani xxx

Swirl Girl said...

I don't know if the pain will ever go away - but I am told that eventually , your memories will be of sweetness and not the enormous hurt .

You have to believe that, for Pip's sake -and your own.

Feel however you feel , whenever you feel that way. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

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Lisa Petrarca said...

Robin it has taken me 16 years to write about my brother. My family thought I was weird because I couldn't even go to his grave to leave flowers.

Everyone grieves in a different way and you just take all the time you need. You will write about her when you're ready. In the meantime just continue to visit that secret place in your heart...tons of hugs coming your way!


I'm married. I have 3 kids. I have a big nose. Now go on and catch up.

Keep it nice or I'll post your email and make fun of you.

pof5@cox.net

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