Undomestic Questions and Blog Recessions

Neil from Citizen of the Month came up with this cool idea for bloggers to interview one another. I am interviewing the Undomestic Diva. I had a good time rootin around her blog cuz she's such a riot, especially when she writes about her husband, CandyAss. I sent her my interview questions today so check back soon for her answers. I'm supposed to be interviewed too but haven't heard from my interviewer yet..Keep your fingers crossed!

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Kristen from Motherhood Uncensored came up with a cool idea as well...Since I'm tired and my eyes are crossing, plus she explains it much better than I would, here is a part of her post (but make sure to go over and read all of it) :

The premise is simple. If you read blogs, then for the month of August, make the "pledge" to click through from your feed reader. No obligation to leave a hilarious comment or send a long stalkerish email (although both, within reason, are always lovely). Just click through and if you're feeling generous, click around.

Just those extra page views can make a big difference for bloggers who could really use the help, or in my case, where page views don't matter so much, a big fat ego boost.

This is a great idea because we all need some love in the midst of this crappy recession. Kristen is one of my favorite bloggers. She is totally hysterical...especially when she talks about her in-laws!! I always look forward to her latest post.

That's it for me. My knees are screaming at me for going to a spin class today so I'll just down my geritol and hit the sack.

Husband and Wife Speak

Hub: Hey, where's my wine?

Me: I drank it.

Hub: Why?!

Me: Because I thought it was mine.

Hub: Where is your glass?

Me: It was empty so I put it in the sink.

Hub: So how could you have thought mine was yours when you knew you put yours in the sink?

Me: I don't know, I just thought yours was mine.

Hub: Where's the bottle - hey, why is the bottle empty? We just opened it.

Me: Cuz I drank it.

Hub: What?!? I thought you said you put your glass in the sink. Did you refill my glass thinking it was yours?

Me: No, I drank the rest straight from the bottle.

Hub: From the bottle? Why didn't you use your glass?

Me: Cuz it was in the sink.

In My Dark Place

Went to Target to get this:

Hey lady in the middle of the aisle, do you REALLY need to stand in the middle? You can't scoot in so me and my cart can roll by? I am standing right in front of you waiting. Do I need to hit you with my cart? Cuz I will. Rolling closer..about to hit you. Looks at me blankly then moves just enough to let me by. I catch her gaze and won't look away first.

Hey lady in the next aisle over, SHUT YOUR KIDS UP! Just take whatever big brother has and give back to his little sister. He took it from her in the first place. Saying "Give it Back!" over like 10 times obviously isn't working..There are other people in the store trying to shop in peace. No one wants to hear WW III between your kids.

Hey lady in the aisle with 4 kids, can you move and have your conversation about blah blah blah somewhere else so I can just reach next to you and get my garbage bags? I'm only in here for 3 THINGS. The green monster is like uber-expensive to fill so I'm trying to stay on a budget and get out of here before I am tempted to buy crap I don't need so HURRY THE HELL UP!

Oh yeah, Target worker who is hogging up the ENTIRE aisle while stocking. Do you not notice a customer trying to get by? Exactly WHY do you work here? To stock for the hell of it? Or maybe...just...possibly...to stock the shelves so customers can buy sh*t? Are you NOT here for the customers? So why must you completely not acknowledge my existence because you are doing SUCH IMPORTANT WORK that requires you treating me like crap?

My mind is now boiling. Irrational thoughts take over..I'm so irriated. I'll think I'll treat myself after all to something...I deserve it after dealing with all of these jerks.



It is clear I have issues. Let's just leave it at that.

Gettin Me Some Luv

Ok, first I must say that I have had severe blogger jealousy recently. Blog designs that are wayyy cooler than my boring template, posts that are clever and very well written, lots of funny twitting going on, and to top it off, I didn't get to go to BlogHer and meet Backpacking Dad who apparently the blogosphere says is mr. hottie. Blogger envy has reached it's peak here in my already cluttered mind. Yes, I am in my dark place right now.

So imagine my delight when I see a comment from Jenny at Biscuit is the Answer telling me to pop over for a shiny surprise. What is it? MY FIRST BLOG AWARD..


All I can say is Jenny, you ROCK! Thanks for the ego boost.

Time to pass the love around to 4 other bloggers.

Weith Kick
Lisa Petrarca's Blog
Glossy Veneer
Why Mom Drinks Rum

1. Put award on your blog.
2. Add link to the person who awarded you.
3. Nominate 4 fellow bloggers for the award.
4. Add links to recipient.
5. Leave a comment so the recipients know they have received an award.

Welcome Back Steve...Otherwise titled Why I Hate Steve

Hi I'm Steve. I'm a friend of Robin's. I visit her often even though she is old enough now where I should have stopped visiting years ago. I come and go as I please, show up unannounced, and stay for quite awhile. Her husband thinks I'm hysterical and loves it when I stay with her.

I am a zit and I live prominently on Robin's face.

I tend to grow quite large with a bulbous pussy whitehead. I like to torture Robin by showing up in places where she can't hide me with make-up. Currently, I am on Robin's cheek so if she's not near a mirror she can see me by just glancing down. Robin has tried to kill me on several occasions. She's squeezed me to within an inch of my life but I always survive. Her husband is obsessed with popping me but Robin won't let him because the last time he did it, he squeezed so hard he left a scar but...I survived (roaches have nothing on me). She has given up and now just attempts to hide me with that thing she calls 'foundation'.

My favorite place to visit is on Robin's forehead just above and between her eyebrows. I like to stay for at least a month or so. If she tries to scratch me off, she just gets a scab/scar which is even worse so there I stay. Those zit creams are a joke and don't work on me. I'm so big right now that I can actually make her skin itch and actually be a little painful.

It has gotten to the point that Robin cut bangs back in to hide me. The joke is on her though because she has this thing called a 'cow lick' that makes her bangs part in the middle. So instead, she freaks out, curses, and laimly tries to fix these bangs so she can hide me. I find this toooooo funny and am so glad I chose to live on her instead of a guy..

Her husband says Robin should be glad that she still gets zits because that means her skin is still young. She normally either tells him to step off or finds some way to insult whatever imperfection he is suffering from at the moment (currently it's the jellyfish sting on his ankle that he won't stop scratching. It's nasty). But I digress.

I called my cousin Whitey to come over for a visit. I usually see him about every other month so it's time again. Much to his delight, Robin's husband noticed that Whitey popped in on her forehead yesterday. I am so excited that he's here. Time for a par-tay..Hey Robin, we need food. Stop being such a meanie and eat some chocolate woman. My dad Red, my brother Poc, and my sister Pain-ella want to pop in for a visit as well.

Bow Chicka Wow Wow..A 100+ Things About Me.

So I didn't get the memo about celebrating my 100th post by listing 100 things about myself..Like writing my blog profile wasn't revealing enough for you people?!?!?!? I'll try my best to keep it clean but a warning anyway to my mom, dad, mom-dad-harvey-inlaws: Read at your own risk!


First and foremost, I am Christian. I have always been religious even as a young child. That said, you may find some of the below surprising. What can I say? I am who I am.

1. I get told almost daily that I look like Gloria Estefan.
2. I was married before to my boys' (Jake and Hunter) dad. We've been divorced for 11 years.
3. I have been married to the most wonderful man (Paul) on the planet for 6 years now. This will totally go to his head.
4. Paul and I had our first child together, Wrigley, in 2003. She died in my arms an hour after she was born. I was forever altered on that day and will never be the same.
5. We were blessed with our daughter Piper two years later.
5.5 My dream is move to an island and live a much slower life while we raise our kids. I am growing weary of this commercialized tech driven world.
6. I want a MacBook Pro.
6.5 I have sung with Rick Springfield on-stage during one of his concerts.
7. I love wine and captain & cokes (no lime please).
8. I can sing well and used to be a wedding singer (briefly).
9. I'm a swing dancer but am rusty because I haven't done it in ages.
10. I am quasi-certified (long story) to teach ashtanga, hatha, and vinyasa yoga..Yogini anyone?
11. I am hysterical in a social setting and usually the life of the party (and the butt of all of the next day's jokes).
12. I am an EXTREME extrovert and will talk to anyone who will tell me their life story.
13. I love being around people.
14. I get bored easily and must be entertained. This is why I had kids.
15. I HATE road trips with a passion.
16. I knit which is totally cool (and funny when I'm in the dr's office knitting and everyone is staring trying to figure out how old I am).
17. I am 38.
18. I am one of about eleventy million 1st cousins.
19. I have NO willpower when it comes to chocolate.
20. I would pimp myself out for a chocolate chip cookie. True story- Ask the hubby. I cannot resist them.
21. I am a history buff especially about the American Revolution and our Founding Fathers (total rockstars).
22. I am very impatient.
23. I am a little neurotic aka psycho (according to Mr. Wonderful Man I'm married to).
24. I am a shoe ho.
25. I am a Coach purse ho.
26. I have a B.S. in Business Administration with a 3.83 gpa.
27. I LOVE to travel.
28. I've been to Hong Kong, Paris, West Indies, Caribbean (how the heck do you spell that?!) but have never been on a cruise. Hong Kong is one of my favorite places.
29. My mind is in the gutter most of the time. I pray to the Lord for forgiveness constantly.
30. I love to cook.
31. I love to dance while I cook.
32. I love to dance around in my underwear while I get ready in the morning and yell "Uh Huh..Waa Waa!!"
33. I love it when my brother and I do our dance to KC and the Sunshine's "Do A Little Dance". We made it up when we were kids and now I've passed it down to mine.
34. I pray EVERY night.
35. I can't stand the sound of styrofoam. It's the most vile thing on the planet and should never have been invented.
36. I can eat VERY spicy food.
37. I am a thai food fanatic and could eat it daily.
38. I can't smell.
39. I've met John O'Hurley (J. Peterman from Seinfeld). He looks gooood in person.
40. I have a short fuse (according to the hubby).
41. I loved being pregnant.
42. I'm claustrophobic.
43. I love collecting funky, artsy crosses and have them all over the house.
44. I am uber-clumsy.
45. I am only 5'0. No one told me that smoking in the 8th grade would stunt my growth until it was too late.
46. I am way too analytical and smart for my own good. It keeps me up at night.
47. When I see someone pan-handling on a street corner, I don't get irritated. I stop and give change. Do you really need that extra change in your car? It could be an angel in disguise testing you. When will YOU need help next?
48. I can't eat a sandwich unless it has a tomato in it (except for a pb and j).
49. The world is huge, life is short, live your life to the fullest, so travel and see it.
50. I detest able bodied people who don't take responsibility for their actions and just complain.
51. I love academia and hopefully will go back for my masters when Pip starts kindegarten.
52. I have a tatoo on my hip of Snoopy but it's so old that it's faded and now looks like a butterfly.
53. I go to an awesome massage therapist to work through old ghosts that I just need to let go of.
54. I have a very hard time letting go of grudges, hence lots of praying and #53.
55. I am drinking wine right now and can't remember what I've written from 1-50.
56. I am a vegetarian. Not because I love animals but because the method in which they are slaughtered is extremely unsanitary and disgusting so I don't want their sick bacteria ridden flesh in my body any longer.
57. I can quote and/or recognize movie lines from tons of movies.
58. My first concert was Foreigner when I was 13.
59. My parents still live in the same house that we lived in since I was 5 so I grew up with all my friends from kindegarten until 8th grade.
60. I was the student body president in 6th grade.
61. I was popular in elementary, middle, and jr high.
62. My parents made me go to an out of district high school because they didn't want me to go to the high school we were zoned for. It was getting too rough.
63. I started my out of district high school knowing 1 person who was two years older than me. I wasn't popular anymore but wasn't a geek either. Middle of road which was actually ok. High school was still a blast.
64. At my ten year reunion I was one of the ones nominated for most-looks-the-same-from- high-school but I wouldn't do the macarana to break the tie so the other gal won. The reunion was a blast.
65. No one told me at my 20th reunion last fall that I looked the same from high school. damn. This reunion was weird.
66. I have been a PTA president for my son's middle school.
67. When I was little I wanted to be Ginger from Gilligans Island or Audra from the Big Valley.
68. My first crush was Andy Gibb, followed by Shaun Cassidy and David Soul.
69. I love red wine..Australian cabs are my favorite.
70. I have taken a glider ride over Napa Valley. Highly recommend it.
71. I've bungee jumped with my boys from 18 stories up.
72. My spinal tap stopped all of sudden during Piper's birth so I felt EVERYTHING. I had to be put out and missed her birth. Supposedly this is doesn't happen often. Of course not, only to me.
73. I haven't drank caffeine since 1995 although I do get some through chocolate or decaf coffee.
74. I hate pop. Ick..vile..I only drink water throughout the day.
75. The hubby and I are good dancers although we don't do it often enough anymore.
76. My boys' friends once called me a MILF. I was a little embarrassed but secretly a little proud as well. Try pretending (with a straight face) you don't know what a MILF is to 13 year old son when he asks. Really though, I had to laugh because that is just ridiculous. So not true.
77. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with either one of my elbows or both arms sticking up in the air. What the f*&k?
78. I love it when it storms.
79. I always wanted to be in a rock video as one of those girls who get water thrown on them when they dance.
80. I've always have an aversion to authority, ie-I parked my way through college anywhere I wanted which resulted in several hundred dollars worth of parking tickets which I wouldn't pay...which caught up to me several years later..which I still didn't want to pay...which I finally did pay.
81. I love Pina Coladas and gettin caught in the rain.
82. I used to play softball (catcher) and be good at it and now I can't play for crap.
83. I've never been stung by a bee.
84. I had a good friend die of AIDS in the 90's but didn't know it until I called him and his mom told me.
85. I love cereal.
86. My current Hollywood crush is James Marsden.
87. My forever Hollywood crushes: Kurt Russell, Harrison Ford, Sean Connery.
88. I've never broken a bone which is crazy because I've always been a risk taker.
89. I've never had stitches until just a few years ago. I cut the tip of my thumb almost off when I pulled my juliene blade out of my stupid Pampered Chef slicer. When I got to the emergency room, the admitting nurse asked, "Habla Engles?"
90. When we lived in Oklahoma, a clerk in Dillards asked me for my Indian reservation number when I was checking out. I'm not Indian.
91. I've been asked many times if I'm Italian.
92. I've been asked if I'm Lebanese.
93. I've been asked if I'm Jewish.
94. I am Hispanic and German.
95. I found my first gray hair today. Paul found 3 more. Sh*t.
96. I find it hard to wrap my mind around the fact that my oldest child is turning 19 in a month. I am too immature to have a child who is turning 19 IN A MONTH, hence #95.
97. I am the process of demanding a huge celebration of some sort for my 40th birthday next year.
98. Hi, my name is Robin and I'm a Starbucks Addict.
99. My first child got the nickame of 'boob' at an early age and it stuck. Now all three kids are called boob. I like to say things like, "Aww, my three boobs are cuddling." or "Aww, my three boobs are watching tv together." or "Aww, one of my boobs is sick."
100. I am terrified of bugs. Really terrified. Wimpy terrified. Running terrified. Big Wimpy terrified.
101. Gimme a Seinfeld quote. I can tell you which episode it's from plus what the plot and subplot was. The last episode was brilliant.
102. I believe in God.
103. I believe in my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
104. My favorite scripture is Psalm 23.

Starbucks and the Internet Slut

Jill and I finally met up at Starbucks yesterday for coffee. I got hear about BlogHer (SO goin next year) and how The Bloggess really was drunk during a keynote like I had been reading all over the net.

It was kinda cool meeting someone that you converse with in the blogosphere (other than we when bumped into each other at Retro once). It's like you know them but you really....don't. Like a blind date but no one set you up. You ask the same questions you would on this sort of date. Where are you from? How long have you lived here? Do you have brothers or sisters? Do you prefer Spongebob or Patrick? Could Wonder Woman really take Catwoman in a fight?

Anyway, she's a cool chick and we had fun hootin and hollerin about ourselves. We each took pictures of each other for our coolio iPhones. I warned her mine would be a disaster and as usual it was (me picture ugly, me scare you longggg time)..

Glossy Jill

When I asked her if she still builds websites for people, she said not so much anymore. She explained that she started to feel like an internet slut since she felt like she's giving her work away for almost nothing. I hoot and say "That's what I'm gonna title this post, hahahaha!" She says "Sure, do it!"

100th Post?

I read something recently about having to celebrate my 100th post by writing 100 things about myself? Is this true? If so, I missed it..I'm at about 127 right now...

Princess Pip

We interrupt this continual string of stupid posts to post something actually meaningful and touching. Plus this blogger had an extremely emotional day and wants to focus on something positive. Plus she hasn't posted anything for awhile for her parents or in-laws to appreciate.

The last 2 Saturdays Piper had some Princess dance classes. The first was with Ariel, the second with Cinderella. The girls were all supposed to wear some sort of princess dress up clothes. Pip wanted to wear her Cinderella gown to both.

Where in the movie did Ariel wear a hot pink dress?

Asserting herself as her mommy has taught her.

The following Saturday was the Cinderella class. Getting make-up on.

More assertion: Step off! Cinderella is mine! You can't have her!

Check out her kick at the end..She was trying to imitate another girl who did a high kick at the end of her little walk with Cinderella. I started laughing and hit the stop button..durn it! Pip was pretty proud of herself..Yeahh, that's how she rolls!

Starbucks and a Greasy Salesman

With Pip at her little morning summer camp, I headed over to Starbucks to enjoy a coffee and interview someone for my weekly review. I settle in a big comfy chair, open my laptop and sign on. No connection. Crap.

A man walks in obviously looking for someone. He sits down in the big comfy chair next to me. I strike up some small talk. He is a financial planner who owns a 2 story building down the street. He’s here to meet some perspective clients who are interested in leasing office space. He jokes about back in the day people used to meet at 7-11’s. I tell him my dad owned a 7-11 when I was growing up and that my brother and I were required to work in it on weekends and during the summer. At that point, his potentials walk in and I grudgingly give up my comfy seat so the three of them can sit together. Not happy at this point. My conversation is interrupted and now I’m sitting in the corner (although with a pretty good view of the store).

So, this client is named Rick and his associate is Lauren. Rick is very full of himself. Talks and talks using big words like Genesis and Impetus when describing how he started his business. Very slick. Think car salesman. When he listens to the building owner, he has that overly interested fake body language which screams “I’m acting like Tom Cruise trying to prove myself by sitting still so I won’t jump on Oprah’s couch again!“ He talks on and on about his life and how he is also a ‘paid’ columnist for some so and so journal. I am tiring of this conversation. Finally, the building owner deadpans “Ok, so you sell health insurance.” I almost choke on my coffee and smirk. He totally has Rick’s number.

My coffee isn’t quite up to par this morning. The barista filled my cup too high so I had to dump some of it out in order to put cream/sugar in it. I spilled some of it on my shirt too. Crap. A group of three talk at a nearby table talk about the ESPYs on Sunday and how great Justin Timberlake was as a host. I mentally agree. He killed it. The show was awesome.

Still can’t pick up an internet connection in here. Currently writing in Word and will copy to my blog when I get home. Overall, so-so Starbucks visit today. I need to up my game during my next visit.

Bom Dia, Guten Morgen, Buon Giorno, Gunaydin, Buenos Dias, Selamat Pagi

Dear Overseas Reader,

Why are you not leaving comments on my blog? Don't you see that I have no street cred in the blogosphere because there are no orange dots outside of the US on my world map? I know you're out there. I've seen you in the past. Even though I love her in a totally non-gay way, please don't tell me that American in Norway is my only overseas reader.

I love you overseas person. I've been overseas a few times. Will you leave comments now? We may even be tranferred overseas at some point. Am I earnin your love yet? People tell me all the time that I look Italian, Lebanese, or Greek so I know I could totally roll in your hood. Do I have to title this post 'Good Morning' in like 10 different languages to get over this insecure feeling I have ever time I look at my map? Do I need to break out a haiku for you to leave your digital sig?

My overseas love
stroke my fragile ego please
I laugh as I write

Side note - How the heck is it that I've seen blogs that are just a month old and have hits all over the world? Are these bloggers shamelessly pimpin themselves out virtually just to get some hits and comments? Ok so I'm not above that, just tell me how to do it. I've blog-trolled enough, joined blogger this and that, left comments galore cuz I'm a total comment ho..

So, what be-ith the deal-i-o, oh reader residing in any other country but mine?

Do I give off that stalkerish blog vibe? Can you smell the wine on my breath? Do I have another pubic hair in my teeth or something? Ok I've digressed but hopefully I've made my point overseas reader.

I now sign off to dance to some Justin Timberlake, which I realize might scare you off completely...Senorita, I feel for you..

I Want You To Want Me...

Friday night the hub and I went and saw Cheap Trick, Heart, and Journey at Mandalay Bay. Journey is one of my favorite bands ever so I was a little uneasy seeing them without Steve Perry. Apparently a Phillipino guy is now the lead singer. More to that in a bit. I was wearing my I Want You To Want Me (my favorite Cheap Trick song) I bought at the Hard Rock in Cancun specifically for this concert. I'd post the pic of me in it but it turned out blurry and crappy. The band did not disappoint. Neither did Heart. The Wilson sisters still ROCK and sound exactly the same as they did in their heyday.

As the lights went down and the concert started, the hub started smelling mowie wowie somewhere around us. Sure nuf, in the same row as us, there was a bunch of teenagers sparkin up some doobage. Pretty soon, a guy in the row in front of us (who was OUR AGE) asks them for a hit. They oblige. Between bands, the cops appear looking for the culprits. It was funny watching them get so paranoid.

Anyway, Journey ROCKED. It was freaky how much the lead singer sounded like Steve Perry but he ended up to be really good. Seeing Jonathan Cain and Neil Schon on stage was amazing. I had such a crush on Jonathan in the 80's, I started acting like a crazed teenager when he came out on the stage much to hub's amusement. I even broke out the arm in the air move with the pinkie, index and thumb out move rockin to the music..Yeah! That's how I roll!!!!

Side note - You know you're in the 21st century when people are holding up their cell phones instead of lighters..

The funniest thing was a bunch of guys in the various rows below us who didn't know each other at the beginning of the concert. By the end of the night, they were all playing air guitar and drums, slapping hands, hugging each other, and I think maybe falling in love...?

Starbucks and a Little Girl

We're at Starbucks on Sunday morning. I'm looking around trying to decide who my first real Starbucks interview will be. I pick a gal in a t-shirt that says, "Watch out or you'll end up in my novel." I'm getting ready to approach her when we realize we're gonna be late if we don't head out asap. Darn it. Never fear, Pip to the rescue.

As we leave, Pip asks a man sitting outside if she can pet his dog. Interview:

Pip: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Man: Sure, her name is Wendy.
Pip: She's so soft. What's your name?
Man: Mike, what's yours?
Piper: I'm Piper and this is my mom Robin and my dad Paul. My mom is 38.
Man: Laughing Well, it's nice to meet you all.
Pip: Well, I have to go now. We're going to church so I can learn about God.

Thanks Piper for coming through for your mama!

Musings

I have lots of stuff rattling around in my head today so here we go. Hopefully this won't be another long post but if it is, just stop reading instead of forcing yourself to forge ahead. You'll probably miss something that could change your life but hey, we all have our limits.

The other day the hub was doing something annoying in the car. Piper said, "Daddy, stop! You're making me smell like nuts!" translation: "Daddy, stop! You're driving me nuts!"

PC update - None. My pc is still locked with a mysterious unknown password.

Staci at Blogilicious is re-designing my blog so I thought I'd change my blog name to something more fun. After polling on possible new blog names (props to my 4 readers who voted), I decided to keep Party of Five and just add a sub-title which is yet to be determined. Please leave a comment with sub-title suggestions. You will win nothing but will have my eternal gratitude (until I get bored with it and decide to change it). .

Has anyone seen reality show The Two Coreys on A&E? It's about Corey Haim and Corey Feldman..you know, they were all the rage in the 80's? Haim is now a druggie and Feldman seems to be doing ok and married to a gal wayyy to pretty for him. I can't explain why I'm addicted to it because I wasn't into either of them in the 80's but for some reason, I'm hooked on the show. Maybe because it's mindless or maybe because I hope Haim gets his act together. Yes, I do feel sorry for the poor boy. Side note - Feldman looks EXACTLY like he did when he was a kid. It's a tad spooky.

Swirl tagged me the other day (Swirl, I'm so gonna get ya for your last comment ;-). I loved your Del Boca Vista reference. I'm a Seinfeld freak! If you really want to know my personality, just observe Elaine. I have been compared to her often over the years, LOL. Anyhoo, tagging business:

1. Link the person(s) who tagged you
2. Mention the rules on your blog
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours…
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them…
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

Since I was recently tagged then tagged others I won't torture anyone else for awhile. Play along if you'd like.

Hmm..

1. I have a horrible habit of leaving my shoes all over the house.
2. I have the memory of a gnat.
3. In my own mind, I am a bit of a wine snob. By the way, Australian cabs are best followed closely by Chilean.
4. I can be hilariously funny at the most inappropriate moments. Ask the hub. He kicks me often under the table at various functions. I don't get it.
5. My greatest obsession: Chocolate Chip Cookies. The cookie monster's got nuthin on me. I could eat them all day every day. Starbucks has the cookie of choice at the moment, if I can't make my own. Since my former skinny metabolism is slowing down more daily, I have put myself on a lifelong cookie ration, which sucks.
6. I can emit bodily functions as good as or better than my two teenage sons. I am not proud to admit it but it is, unfortunately, my most unspectacular quirk. Just keepin it real friends, just keepin it real...

Right. Would You Like Some Tea Dahling?

Frig update - The repair guy confirmed the compressor blew. He ordered a new one (under warranty -whew) but it won't be in until next Thursday. lucky me.

I had my first proper English tea today while Pip and I were at my girlfriend Kris's house. She and her family are British. As our kids played, Kris and I hung out and had a couple long political discussions which were just fascinating. I'll touch on one of those in a sec.

So Kris asks if I would like some tea.

me: Heck yes, my first real English tea..woo hoo!
kris: Would you like milk?
me: Yep! I've never had milk in my tea..This is going to be sooo cool.
kris: looking at me like I'm retarded Wow, I've never NOT had milk in my tea. Would you like sugar?
me: Yep. Never had that either in my tea either.
kris: crickets chirping then giggles

She poured my tea from a teapot into my teacup. My mood improves immediately. Yum. Why have I never put milk and sugar in my tea?

kris: You don't have to drink it if you don't like it.
me: I love it and where can I this tea? I feel so proper.
kris: In the UK. I can't find any good tea here. Why do you use a tea bag with a string?
me: laughing So we don't have to touch the hot tea to pull the bag out.

She's a cool chick. It's fascinating seeing America from her point of view. She loves it here and is actually has dual citizenship.

I asked her what is taught about the American Revolution in English schools. Kris said it is very different from we learn. There they teach that since England was so deeply involved with the 100 year war with France, they sent their '2nd string' troops to fight in America. Sick of fighting two different countries, King finally said something to the effect "Oh, just let them have America and be done with it." And that folks is how we gained our independance from the British.
She's is actually very well versed on the American Revolution (which is an obsession of mine) so a great discussion ensued.

I needed some girl time after my day yesterday so today was fun. It was nice to work my brain and have a discussion without having to pretend I'm SpongeBob or Patrick.

At Least I Saved The Beer

I know everyone has a bad day. I am no exception. Today, however, I must have been paying for some sort of karmic incident back in my past.

Crap day officially began when Piper broke a glass cross that was given to me by my dear friend Cindy when we moved from Florida. Pip felt so bad she was in tears for a long time. I saw it happen so I knew it was an accident. My heart broke that she was so upset so I just held her, rocked her and told her it was ok. Still not a good way to start the day.

Next, Pip and I were at storytime today at the library. After it was over, I was in line checking out a few books for her. She wouldn't come stand in line with me as she was watching fish in this tank. I kept calling her but she wouldn't come to me.."Piper, come closer to me." "Pip, come on.." "Piper, get over here!" "PIPER, get over here NOW!" I suddenly hear a Sssshhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! The man at the checkout counter had shushed me. I then look over to the adult side to see EVERYONE staring at me. I forgot I was in the friggin library and yelled at my child! So in order to diffuse the situation, I said what I thought would totally appropriate, "Oh sh*t, sorry! I forgot I was in a library!" What the heck just came out of my mouth? Summation: I yelled AND swore in the library.

Luckily, the guy helping me thought it was funny..and Pip came running laughing at me, of course (she did not hear my bad word). Here's the thing. I am lover of books. I've been in libraries practically since birth and am well read. I respect the library and know how to act in one. All I can say is that there were a million other kids and their moms around me as well so it wasn't quiet. In fact, it was a little loud, hence my "loudness". Of course, in the same karmic loop, I'm the mom who gets judged for yelling in line. I am now inwardly grumpy.

Later in the afternoon, Pip broke a glass. She was not listening, messing around in the dishwasher while I was unloading it and broke it. This time she got busted. Neither she or the dogs would stay out of the mess. Dogs banished outside, Pip banished to the couch. Sweep, sweep, sweep more then vacuum tediously for along time. Toddler yelling on the couch for a snack and for me to play with her. Mom looks at toddler increduously and does neither. Why is it that broken glass spreads so far from the impact point?

In the midst of all this, I open the door to my very warm refrigerator. My compressor blew. Everything was spoiled. Freezer too. Super Crap. 3 weeks ago I had a frig repair guy out to check out a loud noise coming from my frig. His diagnosis: Compressor is running a little loud but is working fine. He'd check to see if my warranty would replace it but in the meantime, it's ship-shape. Obviously not. A nasty message left to the repair company, 2 hours of cleaning out the frig (with Pip and the dogs "helping" me) and scrubbing it down, 6 garage bags of several hundred dollars of recently purchased groceries/frozen food = I'm mad and I stink (according to Pip).

Look at what dripped at the bottom of my freezer. Popsicles. How am I going to get to that?

If I had more energy, I'd edit this and add sarcastic titles of my frig saying it's finally clean.I scrubbed and mopped the same spot where the glass broke earlier. Baxter finished the job by licking where I mopped. After I cleaned the freezer he licked through it. Thanks B-Dog for the help.

I wasn't able to save much. At least I was able to save a six pack of the hubby's beer which is now stored in my neighbor's frig.

I now cannot get the door back on.

Viva Mexico!

I found my camera cord!

Mexico was fab as usual. We had tons of fun swimming, running around the beach, riding the banana boats and eating yummy mangos. I actually didn't take many pictures because I was in the water a lot but the ones I got were classic. I only wish our oldest Jake could come with us but alas, now he is an adult and had to work..We missed you Jakey!

If you don't know what a banana boat is, here you go:

This is off the web but is the same thing we rode. Imagine a choppy ocean, a crazy boat driver, and screaming people getting bounced off left and right. Did I mention that my son made me ride this about 4 times? and with the hub twice? and with an unusually high number of jellifish this season?

And now you may not question why I drank so many margaritas.

A not so happy jellifish victim. Yes, windex is the antiseptic of choice to kill the sting. That or vodka..NO LIE. Now I will brag about my sweet and sensitive son. After getting stung and me hauling him out of the ocean, he tells me, "See mom, I promised you that you wouldn't get stung. I am glad it was me and not you. I'd never want you to get stung."

Next, the mangos. Whenever we saw our mango dude walking, it was a mad dash down to the beach. Yummy on a stick. First, our fave beach vendor would pull out a whole fresh mango from his cooler, jab it onto a large popsicle type stick, peel it lickety split, carve the sides so it looked like a flower, then sprinkle salt, drench it with chili powder, and squeeze half of a fresh key lime over it. Voila! Hunter and I ate one every day. He had his plain with just the lime juice while I had it with everything including extra chili powder..One day I was eating mine when Hunter looked at me and said that I looked like I had just eaten someone because I had flaming red chili powder all over my mouth.

Speaking of mangos, one of the security guards yelled at me about eating my mango while sticking my feet in the pool then he kept questioning me on which condo we owned, like we didn't really own one there. My first instinct was to throw my mango at him and tell him that since our hoa fees paid his salary he should drop to his knees, rub some sunblock on my hairy back then kiss my stinky feet that we're providing his family with tortillas, frioles, and cervesa. I can say this because I'm Hispanic. But being the rational (geez, I laugh at myself sometimes) mom I am, I said "Los Cientos", which means I'm sorry, because the kids were right next to me. I often pray for forgiveness for thinking mean thoughts like these because I really do feel guilty for thinking them. I know he was just doing his job but he wasn't too friendly durn it. The hub had a hysterical stare down with him later though which made me laugh. My man always has my back ;-)

One night we were at our favorite restaraunt, The Friendly Dolphin, and saw our fave singer..I always forget his name but he is a great singer/guitar player and is able to wiggle his cowboy hat up and down with his ears. The hub and Pip are obsessed with him.

One night we took a pirate ship cruise. Pip and I were in separate dance contests. Here's her video. You will NEVER see mine. I will now brag about my daughter. Even if the boat was rocking, she still stayed on her feet and shook her little booty. That's my girl!!!

Can't forget watching the 4th of July fireworks on the beach. Yes, they acknowledge our holiday because it draws tourists down. Hunter caught the fireworks behind us..Good job Sweets!

We got to hang out with my father-in-law for part of our trip which is always fun.

We also ran into our friends The Michels and hung out with them for a bit. We don't get to see them often so it's always a great time.

We also had time to visit our family and friends in Arizona before we came home.

Now to bore you with even more pictures!

I Didn't Do It..

Warning - Long bitchy post about to ensue. Grab a drink, some popcorn and settle in.

I'm still trying to recover from our trip. The un-packing and laundry is done, I just did the grocery shopping, and I'm fielding my way through voice/e-mails. So why do I still feel totally discombobulated? Because I arrived home from our vacation to find myself locked out of my desktop PC (otherwise known as my 2nd husband/love/soulmate). THERE IS A PASSWORD ON IT. I didn't leave one on it when we left but lo and behold there it was. At first I thought I just forgot I did it and typed in my normal password but it didn't work. Hmm. Tried another one. No. Another one. No. And another. No. My heart started to pound and I felt myself breaking out into a light sweat (I am NOT lying). Ok, calm down..I go through my entire repoitoire of passwords, nothing. I ask the hub if he put a password on. He says no which I believe because he is rarely on that computer which is good because that would be kinda gay because that would mean both my husbands would be...never mind, i have a sick mind no matter what kind of state I'm in.

Long story short, I yell F**K !! then try every password I've ever used EVER. NOTHING. So now, after googling my brains out, I am in the process of hacking in. Supposedly I am not the only num-nut who forgot her password EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T SET ONE UP so it's somewhat common to be able to hack in and change it. My biggest concern is losing my data. It's not supposed to happen but because I am me, it probably will. Everything is backed up except for the last 3 months of pictures which, of course, is the only thing I'm worried about losing.

So here I am sitting at my laptop in the kitchen instead of continuing my sordid love affair with my desktop back in my studio (I think from now on I'll call it my lair). Even more reasons why this pisses me off:

• I can't download our Mexico pics from my camera.
• I can't find my camera cord to hook it up to my laptop to at least get some pics on my blog (my stupid laptop doesn't accept my memory card).
• I need to scan a few things and email them which I can't do from the laptop.
• I use Outlook Express so for now I have to actually log into Cox and use their horrendously slow, antiquated and pointless webmail. Hence for those of you who I haven't replied to your emails, now you know why.
• The U key is sticking on this mo-fo laptop.
• Who the hell did it? The dog sitters? Why? It had to have been them.

I am a little scared actually because maybe I did do it and can't remember? I know I have the memory of a gnat but not when it comes to my pc. I would have totally remembered. I never think of off the wall passwords at the last minute cuz I know I'd forget them, hence the repoirtoire...I don't believe there is even a minute chance..but maybe? NO! I KNOW I DIDN'T!!

Are these the end of my woes? No. We come home to find out street chip sealed, slurried, or whatever the heck it's called. Someone, probably the dog sitters, drove in our driveway soon after it was done and smeared that shit all over it. The hub tried everything to get it off but it won't. That crap is burned on there. Since our driveway is stamped and stained, the stain will need to be stripped, re-done and re-sealed. Now he's really pissed so I can't freak out anymore about my pc. I have now been assigned of investigating, stalking, and demanding payment from whomever did it. Yes, we know it was YOU dog-sitters (who are licensed & bonded, and yes I will throw that contract stating that they are not liable for any damage they cause in our home in their faces). You are now on the chopping block since I know darn well the city won't fix it. Your arses are mine.

Not that I don't have tons of other calls to return or anything. Now I'll have to battle YOU, dumb dog-sitters.

Anyway, hopefully I'll find my camera cord soon so I can actually blog a little about Mexico. Wish I was there now on the beach with a marg in one hand and a mango in the other..

Back to Reality

We're back. Mexico was so relaxing, it's soo hard to leave. Visiting our family and friends in Arizona was fun too but I'm already homesick for the beach. That song by Eminem, Back to Reality, has been playing in my head all weekend (which sucks because he is such a dweeb), blah. ;-)

Thanks to my wonderful guest bloggers, Keith, Jill, Dani, and Kari. I totally dug all of your posts..

To my big bro: Reading about Lily made me sad..I remember how the boys would chase both Theo and Lily around the house which was soo funny..Imagine two three-legged cats sliding around corners to get away from two crazy boys. I miss Theo too since we only got to see Lily when he was alive. Now she runs from us like the plague when we visit. Your post about your musical tastes made me laugh. I'm always so confused when I draw your name at Christmas and I read your list of CD's I've never heard of, hahaha! You've opened my eyes to some great bands over the years (even if you ARE adopted..)

Jill: That is SO crazy that people actualy save money to buy clothes to come here! So THOSE are the gals I see walking up/down the strip or in casinos in their stilletos, glitter, and gold lame IN TOTAL PAIN (and looking pretty ridiculous). Seriously, was the last thing they saw on tv that show from the 70's called Vegas (go Dan Tana, I loved him)! I love being comfy in my shorts and flip flops when we go on the obligatory visit to the Strip with our out of town visitors. I will admit I do like dressing up when the hub and I go see a show but it's more White House/Black Market apparel than Hookers R Us hoochie-mama clothing. It's true also that people think that if you live in Vegas that you literally live either next to, in, or behind a casino. Like Vegas is all of 5 square miles. "Wow, you mean that you have schools AND a grocery store?" "Yes, moron and we can valet at the mall too."

Dani - I can totally picture you pool bar diving at the Moon Palace. I'd be right there beside you girlie probably making the conversations even more confusing. What a great story about your great aunt riding with Capone. You should write a post about it! I think our grandmother was almost kidnapped by Poncho Via but I need to check on the details with my mom. Next time you guys plan a Cancun trip, lemme know! :-)

Kari - Girl, what can I say? I luv ya! I don't understand why you don't feel worthy to own and operate Retro? You are my cupcake hero, chicka. I've never known anyone who has run a bakery and am always totally impressed when I come in. Oh and the cupcakes today were soooo yummy. Everyone go to Retro's blog to see the cupcake painting that my soul sista Erin's daughter painted. TOTALLY COOL !!!!! Pip was bummed she couldn't hang out with the Lucy Girl..Darn you, let me take her for a couple hours next week so she can get out of the bakery! Viva La Retro!

After unpacking, laundry, swimming and other random household stuff, I am too tired to blog more about our Mexico trip. I'll bore y'all with our pics tomorrow..Mommy out.

Musical Offerings

(Guest Blogger Weith Kick at http://weithkick.blogspot.com/)

When it comes to music I consider mine to encompass a wide, if not impressive, gamut. I am by no means a musical expert (or genius), but it is easy for me to identify what I like. In other words, I think I have a good ear.

I know what you’re thinking. Doesn’t everybody say their musical tastes encompass a wide, if not impressive, gamut? Yes, but the difference between them and me is that I am sincere when I say it.

Does that make me a bit of a music snob? Perhaps, but not entirely so, because I know there are others whose tastes are even more off-the-richter than my own.

Generally, I keep my distance from anything mainstream for the simple reason that most of it is monkey shit. There are exceptions, of course. I really liked the songs Outcast put out a few years back, particularly Hey Ya and The Way You Move. The videos for these songs were nothing short of splendid. So it's not out of the realm of ordinary experience for me to like something I hear on the radio.

Crazy by Gnarls Barkley is another shining example of being caught off guard when listening to the radio, and it comes with a neat little video that is clever, creative and simple. The song's uniqueness and simplicity led me to believe that this would be a one hit wonder in the same vein of some of my favorite one hitters like Groove is in the Heart; I Want Candy; Baby Got Back (I defy anyone to not like this song-in fact, this song should take the place of wedding reception standards like the Electric Slide and YMCA); Come On Eileen (I defy anyone to translate the lyrics-what the hell are they talking about); Spirit in the Sky; The Safety Dance (another classic video); Afternoon Delight; Play That Funky Music, etc, etc, and so on and so forth. After hearing some of Gnarls' other songs I hope he sticks around for a while.

So please, allow me, if you will, to bore you with a sampling of some of my musical tastes.

On my Ipod you will find everything from John Williams, Thomas Newman, Jerry Goldsmith and Maurice Jarre (I am a huge collector of film scores and have been since the tender age of 10-does that make me a bit of a dweeb? Perhaps.) to Radiohead, Bjork, Yeah Yeah Yeahs (love Karen O). I listen to M.I.A., the adorable Kate Nash, the lovely Liz Phair and the ornery Lily Allen. I love the music of Sigur Ros, Sufjan Stevens and Devotchka. My music tastes never change but they constantly grow. I am constantly in search of new and interesting music. Because of the lack of anything remotely interesting on the radio I typically listen to NPR, or it's constant channel surfing until I find a song I like, which is rare.

So what is the point of all this drivel you may be asking yourself. It's to point out that for all my grandstanding there is a genre of music that I would normally deny liking. I am not even sure what label you would give this music. Some people might call it deranged. Others might call it frivolous bubble gum, insignificant trash or even meaningless monkey shit. But I can't help myself. Whenever I hear these songs I have to stop and listen. They do something to me. They soothe my inner sensitive sentimentalist. This music comes from the likes of JoJo (I feel your pain JoJo), Fergie (love your sensitive and naughty sides equally), Kelly Clarkson, Jordan Sparks, Leona Lewis, Rihanna and Alicia Keys. But you see it's when I hear them sing their dopey love songs that get me. I think it's because the way they pour their hearts out when they sing. The lyrics are sometimes ridiculous ("And I'm going to miss you like a child misses their blanket") but I don't care, I had a "baba" once and I know what it's like to miss it when it's gone.

If anyone ever calls me out for liking these songs I will deny it. But if you want to tell me how much you love them too then I'm right there with you, girlfriend.

It must be some sort of mental defect I have. I guess I'm just soft up there.

Cupcakes and Confessions

Greetings from Retro Bakery...

My name is Kari...AKA The Crazy Baykah from Building a Bakery. I normally blog about what it's like opening your own business and then LIVING the "American Dream." But today, I want to tell you everything that I CAN'T say on my OWN blog...

1) It drives me crazy that people always think they know better than ME about my OWN business.
People come into the bakery every day and tell me that I'm running it all wrong. Apparently, I sell the wrong products ("Why don't you have BREAD?"); I offer the wrong toppings ("Buttercream?? I hate buttercream!!"); I don't have enough for sale ("I can get you a great deal on aprons/cake stands/towels/plates/YOU NAME IT you can sell here, too!"); I should have sugar-free cupcakes ("WHAT? No sugar-free? What kind of bakery is this?"); and the LAST thing they know better than me...I will not survive on cupcakes alone ("You'll never make it with just cupcakes. You need THIS AND THIS AND THIS....").

2) I have an EXTREME guilt complex about serving such calorie-ridden treats.
That's a weird confession, I know. But, I DO! I try so hard to not eat "bad." And what am I doing?? Selling THE most wonderful desserts on the planet. They ARE addictive. I, myself, have an addiction. Now, I'm passing it along to the public. Look at what Ray Kroc did! Retro will probably not be as big as McDonald's....but what IF those fries were never created? Would we, as a society, be better off physically? I don't know...

3) The business is taking a toll on my family.
We're together 24-7. ALL DAY...EVERY DAY! Our four-person, circus-of-a-family is together in less than 1400 sq. ft. every day (whether it's our house or the bakery). We can't get AWAY from each other!!! The girls fight. My hubby and I fight. We ALL fight. And, we're screamers, so I'm sure one day our customers will get an earful (hasn't happened YET, I don' t think). I don' t think we really LIKE each other anymore....and it's only MONTH 5.

4) I feel like I'm totally UNWORTHY of owning and running my own bakery.
It's true that I have been baking for over 17 years...but that was PIE. I've baked the best pies from scratch for almost half of my life. But cake? I've only baked cake and made scratch buttercream for about two years. I'm not a chef. I didn't go to ANY school to prepare for this...and I DON'T decorate cakes. But, here I am, runnin' my OWN bakery? I feel like I didn't EARN it for some reason....like I'm not deserving enough.

5) It's been tough becoming a "working" mom.
I was a stay-at-home mom for 10 years before we decided to open Retro. I don't consider that WORK....even though it is (now that I am a "working" mom, I see all that I USED to do because now NO ONE is doing it at our house anymore!). I would MUCH rather go back and stay home, but I think it's because that was my comfort zone for so long. I know how to do it....it's what I WAS. Now, I have to get used to the NEW me....and the new me does ALL that I used to do PLUS work a 14-hour shift six days a week.

WOW! Thank you for letting me explode that ALL over your computer screen.

Do I feel better? Not really...

But that's me. I'm a roller coaster...I'm a mother...I'm a Crazy Baykah.

LAYTAH!

al patron...

today's guest blogger is dani from give me a second to think about it.

as robin is lounging on a beach somewhere in mexico... i find myself remembering my last trip to mexico...

in september of 2006, my husband and i went to the moon palace with my cousin and her husband. we had an awesome time!!!(i've never been to mexico and NOT had an awesome time;)

(a moon palace visual)

the third or fourth day we were there, we all went to breakfast and drank our way through it (MIMOSAS!!!)... we then went out by the pool and started drinking margaritas.

the palace resorts are all all-inclusive, ie. nothing in moderation!!!

after, a couple of margaritas, my cousin and i decided to hit one of the swim-up-bars. so, we jumped into the pool and swam up to the first bar. there we met several guys from scotland who were in cancun on holiday.

(patron silver)

after a little talk of politics, i announced that i was "treating" everyone to a shot of patron (tequila).

(lol, i've already said the palace was all-inclusive, right!!!)

after everyone had a big laugh, the bar tender said he could do shots for us but not patron shots as they didn't carry that particular brand. hence, i went with cuervo silver...

after doing "shots with the scots", my cousin and i swam up to the second bar. at the second bar there was a group of couples from pennsylvania. this group was all into harley davidsons and cycling.

now, i don't know what brought up the subject (i suppose nothing really had to have brought it up;), but my cousin and i proceeded to tell this bunch about our great aunt addie (who was a "rounder"). the next thing i knew, i had told this whole bunch that my great aunt addie had ridden shot-gun with al PATRON (capone) back in the day???

my cousin started laughing at me as did the crowd, and she said, "guah, dani, how much have you had to drink??? it's "pitino" not patron!!!"

then, i started laughing!!!

(rick pitino)

"how much have i had to drink??? how much have you had??? 'pitino' is rick's last name. you know; the one who used to coach basketball at uk but coaches at louisville, now???"


(al capone)

"it's capone!!!" i continued, "al capone!!!"

needless to say, everyone got a big laugh at our expense... well, it was really not "at our expense" because we probably got the biggest laugh and have since several times...

(al capone's 1930 armored cadillac)

but, it is true...
OUR GREAT AUNT ADDIE DID, INDEED,
RIDE SHOTGUN FROM KENTUCKY TO CHICAGO WITH THE NOTORIOUS, AL CAPONE,
BACK IN THE DAY!!!

love and blessings,
dani xx

Vegas Mystique

(Today's Guest Blogger: Jill from GlossyVeneer.com)

Las Vegas is a strange city, that's for sure.  It seems to hold this magical and mystical quality for visitors (something I surely appreciate, tourism helps so there isn't a state income tax, so keep coming folks!), but for locals it just isn't quite the same.  Going to The Strip is kind of a hassle, something that is often done by people here only when they have out-of-town visitors.  We sometimes go when we need an escape from "everyday life".

One of things that I love the most is the fashions that people seem to think are "required" for Vegas living.  That's one of the best reasons to go the The Strip resorts, just to check out what people are wearing.  Mostly, it's what WOMEN are wearing that is amusing.  I've often witnessed couples walking around a casino and the guy is dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, like a normal human being would if they are walking up and down a street filled with people and it's over 100 degrees outside.  But the girl will often be wearing some kind of bizarre cocktail mini-dress and she will be coated in glitter.... in the middle of the afternoon.  What's that about?

A few years ago we went on vacation to the mountains outside Boise, Idaho.  While at the Boise airport waiting for our return flight a woman started the small talk with me, talking about how incredible Vegas is and they look forward to their annual trip so much each year.  She said to me, "What are you planning on seeing while there?"  When I told her we lived in Las Vegas and were returning home, her face brightened noticeably, she stood up and yelled to her husband, "HONEY!  Come here!  These people are FROM Vegas!"

The next words out of her mouth, "What casino do you work for?"

She seemed utterly confused, followed by complete disappointment when I told her that I am a webmaster and my husband is an auditor and we hold normal-world jobs.

But then she started talking about purchasing her wordrobe for visiting Vegas, the multiple "gowns" it required and how she has to save up each year to afford her "Vegas wardrobe".  She looked at me and said, "I don't know how you do it, I would go broke if I had to buy all the necessary clothing for Vegas to supply my wardrobe year-round."  I hated to break it to her that shorts, tanks and flip-flops don't cost that much.  I don't even have any apparel I would label as a "gown".

Maybe I'm a little jaded to the experience now, I can't see the glitz as much.  But it sure is fun to have my eyes opened from time to time just how unique this city truly is and how it can turn seemingly normal people into complete weirdos!

(Side Note: I am currently training to run a marathon with Team In Training, raising money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.  If you have a few dollars to spare, please donate to my fundraising at JillWillRun.com.  Thanks!)

Lazy Lily

(Guest Blogger Weith Kick at http://weithkick.blogspot.com/)

We have a fat cat. Her name is Lily

She wasn't always this way. There was a time when she was as lithe as a ballerina, agile and graceful. Somewhere along the way she became a cow, and I don't mean cash.

It could be that since she was born with only 3 feet mobility is more of a challenge for her than that of other four-pawed felines; so getting in a daily dose of cardiovascular exercise proves difficult. But don't let 4 legs, 3 feet and one sad, little stub fool you. Typically, she walks with a limp, BUT when she needs to move she can move. She can run, she can jump. She reminds me of CGI Yoda (as opposed to Muppet Yoda.) He shuffles along with a cane, but when the chips are down he can to kick some serious Dark Side Ass. Put a lightsaber in his ugly, little, green hands and he'll give you an ass-whupping you ain't soon forget, fool.

Lily doesn't give ass-whuppings or any kind of whuppings. She's a lover, not a fighter, and always has been. She's delicate like the declining middle-class, sweet like the smell of my gas, fat like J-Lo's reverent ass.

Her brother Theo wasn't so lucky. He was born with only 3 legs. He was a wonderful pet. More dog than cat. He wasn't at all independent like how cats are supposed to be. He was codependent and in need of constant attention. He followed you everywhere and "meowed" incessantly if you weren't around. To the point where you wanted to sell him off to the neighborhood Chinese restaurant. When he died suddenly and inexplicably at the age 7 we were heartbroken. As was his sister, fat Lily. Lazy Lily.

It was after his death that her weight began to mushroom. Could it be that she sunk into a deep depression because of his death? I think not. You see, Theo, not only codependent, was insanely jealous and possessive of Misty and me. No one could have us but him. When Lily came into the same room we were in he would chase her out. When we were lucky enough to give Lily attention he unhappily allowed it. From a distance he watched as we showered her with love. But as soon as we stopped, the moment we left the room or focused our attentions elsewhere he would attack her and the cat fight would ensue. When Theo was alive Lily was forced to exercise, keeping her fit and trim.

Theo was a lover too, but he was a selfish lover. All love had to be directed toward him and then he was the sweetest, kindest cat. He ruled the house. He got more attention than even our dogs did. He demanded it. But he loved people. I think he was bitter toward Lily because she had 4 legs and he 3. When they fought he would always go for her Achilles' heel. Literally. He attacked her where she was most vulnerable, on her sad, little, stubby paw.

My theory behind Lily's weight gain is lack of torture by her brother. Now that Theo is gone she is the top cat. When Theo was around she was quiet and shy. Now it's as though she's been taken over by Theo's spirit. She meows a lot more and expects a lot more attention from us. There is no need for her to do anything all day but eat and sleep. There's no need for sharing. And while she may be lazy, she is also lovely. Lovely Lily.

Why I Shouldn't Ever Be Left Alone or otherwise titled When Products Go Bad

The Play-uhs: Dazed, Confused and Egotistical Bath and Body Works Products

HEADACHE RELIEF STICK: Dudes, where are we?

PERV DUCK MINTS: In some chick's bathroom

RAINKISSED BODY LOTION: Ooo, I can't wait for her to open me up and smell me.

JAPANESE BLOSSOM BODY LOTION: I heard this chick can't smell..Good luck with that.

RAINKISSED: Then why did her husband bring us home to her?

MYSTERIOUS WHITE CREME: Probably because he's a turd and like everyone else in her life, forgets she can't smell...of course....this is only a guess...

RAINKISSED: Oh no! Will she use us at all then?

J.BLOSSOM: Of course she'll use me. I've been around for centuries healing the skin of old hags like her with my ternifolia seed oil, aloe leaf juice and other faux products that make me smell like kick-ass cherry blossoms.

RAINKISSED: Such negative karma J.Blossom. We must remain positive..I'm sure she'll love my hari khrisha bald-headed-like smoothness. My blissful rainleaf oil will calm her frayed nerves.

PERV DUCK: From what I heard coming from their room last night, I don't think either of them have frayed nerves..boo-yah!!!

HEADACHE: Bitch, please. I've heard her say that 'she has a headache' before. She can totally use my stick.

PERV DUCK: Huh huh..you said 'stick'.

BUTTERCUPS AND BELLFLOWERS CANDLE: Umm..excuse me...

MYSTERIOUS WHITE: Even though I'm barely labeled and in a plain container, I know she'll use me because she's very accepting of all things different.

PERV DUCK: I heard she was just a product ho. Break me off a piece of dat..

J.BLOSSOM: That's it Rainkissed. Enough of this karma crap. I challenge you to a bitch-slappin sumo-wrestling contest!

RAINKISSED: No! I cannot! I will not forego the teachings of my sensei who once said that fighting was senseless and..

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE YAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RAINKISSED: moaning

RAINKISSED: That's it BITCH! IT'S SO ON!

RAINKISSED: OOOh yeah..what d'ya think of that? C'mon get up! Is that all ya got, huh? HUH?! Bring it, BRING IT!

PERV DUCK: Ladies! Ladies! Stop! Um.......Can I get in on this action?

PERV DUCK: moaning... So does that mean..maybe?

....

BUTTERCUP: HEY MORONS!!!

EVERYONE: Shut the f*#k up Buttercup!

BUTTERCUP: I know you're all busy not fitting in..but the shaving cream by the sink just told me that home girl is allergic to any skin product with oil so she's not using any of you. At least she and her man can put on some Luther Vandross tonight, light ME up and have a par-tay. Bow Chicka Wow Wow....

BUTTERCUP: oh-Shugga-Honey-Ice-Tea...

GIFT CERTIFICATE: Y'all are whack. At least I can be re-gifted. Better yet, this chick can buy some massage oil for her man and get him all lubed up..How's that for BOO-YAH Bee-otch?!

Concept stolen shamelessly (but honestly) from Amalah who's original post was so much funnier and creative than mine.